It’s so odd seeing people calling him Jay on the memorial sites. I never knew him as that. He will always be Jace to me…

I will always remember his cheeky smile and days spent playing in the garden or on the staircase in the flats, though not sure that we were supposed to be playing on the stairs. We were so very little. My dad was no longer in my life much and I often felt lonely, although Jason was 2 years younger than me his friendship meant so much to me. He always managed to make me giggle. One time when I was crying because I thought my dad didn’t love me, he said with a grin “don’t cry, you can have my dad” . I’m so glad to see he never stopped caring or helping people.

The lasting memory I have of him is us playing on the climbing frame together, not sure how old we were. But he grabbed hold of my skirt and pulled it over my head, giggling like a loony. He ran away and I chased him round and round until we were both too tired to stand and we just fell down on the grass and laughed. His laugh was always infectious. I think that’s how I’ll always remember him.

I sit here writing this with my 3 month old son sleeping on my lap. Feeling the bond that only a mother can feel. My heart really goes out to you Beverley. The thought of ever losing my son is like a knife in my heart. I can only just start to think of what you must be going through. What all of you must be going through. He was an amazing person who without a doubt touched the lives of many people.

Jace, my little flame haired playmate. You will forever be in my thoughts. Rest well. Maybe one day we will play in the sun again.

With much love
Tasha
Xxxx

Here’s a picture of our little monkey.

Right, well the nasty hyperemesis calmed down at about 17 weeks, much to my relief!!!! I still had sickness but it was nothing like the horrendous continuous vomiting. I have rather a lot of scars on my hands and wrists from all the drips they stuck in me, but this baby is more than worth it all

17 weeks was great for another reason as well. My birthday was in that week and as a birthday present Little Monkey gave me the first kicks I could feel. It was truly amazing and gave me a real burst of confidence that this baby would be joining our family. Even better was that they were strong enough kicks for J to see them and feel them. It was great to finally be able to share our baby.

At 20 weeks we had our scan, all was well and it was good to see our baby again and discover that it’s a little boy. It took me a while for it to sink in that we would be having a little son. Knowing the sex made it even more real for me. I could look at people walk past with their little boys and think to myself that it would be me with a baby boy soon enough. Very exciting and a little daunting.

The next 11 weeks were pretty uneventful, other than LM squirming and kicking so much I started to feel bruised. I’d be sat at my desk busy working and he’d start moving so much that it would take my breath away. Every time I looked down at my bump it was dancing around and looking a bit crazy. Some days he moved about so much that I’d feel a bit freaked out by it all. Especially when he stretched out so much that when I looked I could see his foot clearly protruding from my right side. I’d seen photos of that sort of thing, but it didn’t prepare me for seeing it really happening.

During these 11 weeks the pain in my hips increased to the point where I needed crutches. Thankfully the Welsh NHS is great. I got an appointment with the physiotherapist really quickly and she provided crutches and a support belt. Since then I’ve been given weekly appointments with her and weekly hydrotherapy. It’s fantastic, if I didn’t have it I know I’d have had to have stopped work and would have been housebound. I can’t praise them enough really.

Now week 32, that’s when it got a lot more interesting, though in a scary way.

I’d been working overtime in the office for a few weeks by then, very long days and J was picking me up at the end of them. There was no way I could manage to walk home on my crutches at the end of the day. My hips were getting worse and walking home was enough to bring me to tears.

Anyway, that day I’d been really busy in the office and had started to feel tightenings, being too busy to concentrate on it I just presumed they were Braxton Hicks and that they were normal. I briefly mentioned them to J when I got in the car and said I thought they would get better once I was at home and resting. I was so confident that it was all fine that I sent J off to Karate as normal. However, by the time he got back the tightenings were every 7 minutes and quite strong. I felt silly because he’d been concerned and had tried to get me to call the hospital earlier. I’m just too stubborn sometimes!

About 9pm I phoned the hospital and they told me to come straight in. As soon as we got there they strapped me to as machine to measure the tightenings. Sure enough, they were regular contractions. At this point panic sets in… 32 weeks is a bit too early to be born. They gave me tablets every 30 minutes to try and stop the contractions and  gave me 2 injections of steroids (nasty painful things!!!). After about 24 hours the contractions eased off and I was allowed to go home.

I took a couple of days off and then went back to work again. Much to the dismay of my work colleagues who were starting to have fears that I’d end up delivering the baby at my desk.

All was well then until 34 weeks, when contractions started again. This time there were no NICU beds in my local hospital and they had to try and find another hospital that could take us.

After scaring me near to death with suggesting that I go to Haverfordwest (about a 3 or 4 hour drive away), they managed to find a bed for me in Bristol, so they bundled me into an ambulance and sped me off, leaving J to return home, pick up some stuff for me and then make his way to the hospital.

We get there, again I’m put on the monitor and the contractions are regular. After about 24 hours they are starting to calm down again and after a few days they let me go home. I was worried that they were never going to let me leave. I didn’t like it there much. I was too far away from my family and friends and felt very isolated. Not to mention that I had my heart set on Little Monkey being born in Wales and being Welsh like his mum

After that I went back to work for half a day to hand over to my replacement, then it was the start of my 4 weeks of leave before my maternity leave starts.

At 36 weeks I went for a growth scan as my bump was measuring several weeks too small. Well, even though I have a little bump, the baby inside is a very decent size… at 36 weeks he was measuring 40+2 weeks I dread to think what size he’ll be when he’s born!!!!

Since all that I’ve had times where I’ve had contractions for 30 hours only to fade away. It’s exhausting, but I’m not bothering the hospital with it now. It just appears to be how this pregnancy is going. Little Monkey will show up when he’s good and ready. The important thing being that he’s 37 weeks now and classed as full term. No fear of being sent to another hospital now. Yay, he can be born in the same place as I was and he’ll live only 2 roads away from the first place I lived. Feels like coming full circle.

So what am I up to now? Not a lot. I’m near enough living in my dressing gown since it’s the only comfy thing I have now. I had thought that I could make the house gleam and sort out boxes which are left over from the move (over 2 years ago now!!!). However, the pain in my hips has changed all that. So it’s lots of rest for me and lots of waiting.

We’re both very excited and eagerly awaiting the arrival of LM. I hope he comes soon, I really really want to hold him in my arms and I can’t wait to see him cuddled up with his dad.

It’s all so exciting, what a huge adventure we’re about to embark on!!!

I realise you may not know this, but every day I wonder what you’re up to, and really hope that you’re happy. Every year on this day, I wish most of all that I could be there with you, helping to make your day special. I hope that you’re having a fantastic birthday, and that it brings you all the things that you’d like.

Happy Birthday son,

With all my love,

xx

Little Monkey’s Heartbeat.

So cool. You can actually hear Tassja’s in the background, if you listen carefully

More later,

  — J.x

I’ll start with the wedding in June. Yup, we did it. We’re now Mr and Mrs Wiseman and it’s wonderful The day was beautiful and it all went smoothly. Potia performed a fantastic ceremony for us. I think having her perform it helped make it the perfect day for us. Thank you Potia, you’re a star.

Although it had been raining all week long, the sun came out for the day and all my worries about ending up with a damp outdoor wedding vanished. Instead I was left wishing I’d put on a bit more sun block

We had a lovely meal afterwards where we got to open our cards and wedding presents. They were all fantastic. A big thank you goes to everyone. Then in the evening the family decided to go out for another meal where it was great to see everyone getting on so well. Lots of family stories were shared along with many many laughs. We couldn’t have asked for a better day or a better start to our marriage.

We did have a big problem before the wedding. A couple of weeks before we were due to drive up to Scotland some rather annoying people decided to break into our car. They didn’t manage to steal it, but they did manage to mess it up rather a lot. The lock on the drivers side had been popped and would no longer work, the ignition had been completely ripped out and was nowhere to be found and the steering column had been broken. Needless to say, it was trashed. The worst was that it was on a bank holiday weekend, so we had a bit of a wait before any garages were open.

After many phone calls on the Tuesday, we managed to get the car towed to a garage. We then spent the run up to the wedding worrying if we were going to get the car back in time. After a lot of work by the garage, we finally got the car back with a day to spare. Cutting it a bit close for my liking. We also had to pay for all the repairs ourselves since it would have taken too long to go through the insurance company. We needed the car too quickly to have time to wait for them.

So, that’s the wedding bit covered. Now on to the next bit…

Anyone who reads this blog will have seen that we lost a baby back in January, we were heartbroken by it. It was the second such loss for us and I was starting to feel that it was never going to go right for us. How could I lose two babies in a row? I felt like such a failure. We didn’t get to see either one of them before they left us. The first was lost at 9 weeks and the second at 10. Both of them very much loved and missed. We’ll never forget them, they will always have a place in our hearts.

So now I get to the happy bit….

We have a baby Wiseman on the way

It’s been a bumpy ride so far. Emotions have been running high. After two loses it gets a bit scary. But all is going well with our Little Monkey. We had the 12 week scan yesterday and it was great. LM was jumping around and put on quite a show for us. The consultant was fantastic and even moved the scan around so we could see more detail. We saw little feet and toes all a wiggle, hands waving and fingers flexing. It was all suddenly very real for me and I felt great.

My health however has been another story.

I’ll start by warning well meaning people. I know it’s very common to offer helpful advice for dealing with morning sickness, but please don’t try it with me. Believe me I’ve tried the ginger, biscuits, calming tea, little food and often…. to name but a few. It doesn’t work for me and with how ill I am, I’m likely to reply with where you can put that ginger biscuit…. and you  won’t like it

I have hyperemesis gravidarum and it’s making life very difficult for me. Check out http://www.helpher.org for more information about the illness. I just can’t describe how awful it makes me feel.

I’ve been hospitalised twice and I should have been in more than that, but I really don’t like being stuck in hospital. I’ve been stuck on an IV drip, had enough blood taken to collapse my veins, had problems with my body going into shutdown and lost so much weight that it’s difficult for me to manage to do much. My days are spent in bed trying not to vomit.

J as usual is proving that he is the ideal husband, I’m so very lucky. He’s taking fantastic care of me. How he manages, I just don’t know. But I’m more grateful than I can ever express.

Even though this pregnancy is difficult for both of us, it’s worth it. It really is. The thought of being able to hold our child in our arms is amazing. It’s a day we are both eagerly awaiting.

I sit here in bed with the laptop, feeling awful but smiling to myself with a tear in my eye. Holding the scan of our baby in my hand and dreaming of the future.

What an awfully big adventure we are embarking on

Given the job I do, I’m quite well versed in the law and quite willing to take legal action against all perpetrators. I’m meticulous in keeping track of all communications, be they phone calls, emails, comments or letters.

The warning has been issued.

What wikipedia has to say on stalking

Just a quickie, really, to say hi and to share a little bit of what we (well, I, mostly) have been up to.

It’s been very quiet in internet-land for a good few months, now. I think part of that has been to do with getting back to basics since the miscarriage and doing a lot of living. Now that the warmth and the sun’s coming back it’s a lot more appealing out there, but a bit of cold and wet doesn’t seem to put us off much. Priorities lately have been firmly back at home, and on holding each other through the changes that have been and gone. I’m sure there’s more to come. Life has a habit of there being more

We’ve been places - notably castle-visiting in South West Wales, and had a trip down to Tassja’s old stomping grounds in Cornwall. It may have been chilly everywhere else, but down there it was warm and sunny and balmy (barmy?!). And the Senior Wisemans were recently here to visit, which gave us an excellent excuse to go to Caerphilly and tramp around the castle there. That’s the problem with Wales - so many castles.

Work-wise, I’ve been busily involved in a project which has just had its launch. I figure Cie and Dafydd *might* be interested. (Oh, and it’s a Drupal site too :D)

What else? Hmmm. Oh yes - there was a blog software upgrade (thanks to an unexpected server upgrade - thanks Ritchie :D) and now we’re back to zero spam. Yep, that’s right. No comment spam at all.

Right. Back to the millwheel, then…

I’ve been staring at the Ante Natal Clinic attendance card which is lying on my desk. Today would have been the first time we would have seen our greatly wanted and much loved baby at 13 weeks, 4 days.

But it wasn’t to be. The same day we received the appointment card I started to bleed. A day that had started excitedly with J waking me up to get me to open the much anticipated letter from the hospital ended with me laying awake all night feeling very frightened.

I went to the Dr’s on the Monday feeling a little more confident as it had stopped. He was lovely and made an appointment for me to go to the EPU the next day. However, by 3am my health was getting pretty bad and I asked J to take control of the situation for me (that’s rare for me). I just couldn’t cope anymore.

Within minutes of asking for help an ambulance arrived to take me to the local hospital. I was really impressed by their rapid response. Less impressed with one of the paramedics trying to wind me up about the place I work. I’m very proud to be a civil servant.

I was prodded, poked and admitted onto a ward, where for the third night in a row I didn’t sleep. I just stared out of the window feeling hollow and miserable. I even started to cry when an aeroplane I’d been watching traverse the predawn sky, slipped out of my view. Leaving me feeling very alone.

The next morning a very tired looking J came back and took wonderful care of me. I know I’m a very lucky woman to have someone as great as him. Anything he could do to make it a bit easier for me, he did. Although worn out and upset himself, he soldiered on. Through every painful procedure he held my hand and whispered words of comfort.

At times he even managed to make me laugh, I didn’t know it was possible to laugh at such a sad time.

The staff were lovely, even the one who gave me the injection which had the end result of making me pass out in the doorway to the bathroom.

Thanks goes to J for catching me and not letting me end up in a heap on the hospital floor. He was a real star the whole time while they wheeled me back onto the ward and stuck even more tubes in me.

I have very mixed feelings. We lost our baby, and even now I’m fighting back tears. But we gained so much, and that makes me smile.

I sit here with tear filled eyes and a gentle smile of wonder. I feel so much love. J and I were close before, but now we’re even stronger. Through the loss and grief we’ve been there for each other, strengthened our bond and even healed some wounds we didn’t even know were there from a long time ago.

At a time when we both could have become bitter and withdrawn, we ended up even more in love and wide open to each other.

I feel that even though our baby didn’t live, she was already a very real part of our family. When we learned of her she brought us much happiness, every day I carried her in me was a day of wonder, a new experience. I truly feel she gave us a gift, even in death. She gave us the gift of healing.

For that I will always be grateful, there just aren’t words that describe it fully.

My beautiful little one,

I didn’t get to hold you in my arms, for that I weep. I wanted so much to see you grow and make your own way in this beautiful world. I wonder what choices you would have made and what path your feet would have tread.

I carried you in my body for a time, but I will carry you in my heart always.

Your mother and father love you and miss you.

Perhaps I should design a symbol. Or become AFKAM.

But no. J, Jay or Jamie is fine in future, thanks. As is “oi”, and other related terms.

Wedding plans continue apace, and we’re looking good to make our original schedule. It’s nice to have time to breathe and actually be excited about it.

It’s very firmly and definitely a winding down time at the moment. Reducing the commitments and energy going in a million different directions and refocussing it back at home is having some interesting and strange effects on me. Who’dathunkit? I’m better able to cope when I’m taking the reins into my own hands, and not being led by any third party.

I’m actually looking forward to the coming year - something I’m really not used to!