Tangled Branches, Roots and Shoots

Pssst..

Want to hear something cool?

Little Monkey’s Heartbeat.

So cool. You can actually hear Tassja’s in the background, if you listen carefully

More later,

  — J.x

Posted in Family, Family Life | 1 Comment »

Monkeys

I’ll warn you now, this is probably going to be quite a long blog post as we’ve not posted anything since May. A lot has happened since then.

I’ll start with the wedding in June. Yup, we did it. We’re now Mr and Mrs Wiseman and it’s wonderful The day was beautiful and it all went smoothly. Potia performed a fantastic ceremony for us. I think having her perform it helped make it the perfect day for us. Thank you Potia, you’re a star.

Although it had been raining all week long, the sun came out for the day and all my worries about ending up with a damp outdoor wedding vanished. Instead I was left wishing I’d put on a bit more sun block

We had a lovely meal afterwards where we got to open our cards and wedding presents. They were all fantastic. A big thank you goes to everyone. Then in the evening the family decided to go out for another meal where it was great to see everyone getting on so well. Lots of family stories were shared along with many many laughs. We couldn’t have asked for a better day or a better start to our marriage.

We did have a big problem before the wedding. A couple of weeks before we were due to drive up to Scotland some rather annoying people decided to break into our car. They didn’t manage to steal it, but they did manage to mess it up rather a lot. The lock on the drivers side had been popped and would no longer work, the ignition had been completely ripped out and was nowhere to be found and the steering column had been broken. Needless to say, it was trashed. The worst was that it was on a bank holiday weekend, so we had a bit of a wait before any garages were open.

After many phone calls on the Tuesday, we managed to get the car towed to a garage. We then spent the run up to the wedding worrying if we were going to get the car back in time. After a lot of work by the garage, we finally got the car back with a day to spare. Cutting it a bit close for my liking. We also had to pay for all the repairs ourselves since it would have taken too long to go through the insurance company. We needed the car too quickly to have time to wait for them.

So, that’s the wedding bit covered. Now on to the next bit…

Anyone who reads this blog will have seen that we lost a baby back in January, we were heartbroken by it. It was the second such loss for us and I was starting to feel that it was never going to go right for us. How could I lose two babies in a row? I felt like such a failure. We didn’t get to see either one of them before they left us. The first was lost at 9 weeks and the second at 10. Both of them very much loved and missed. We’ll never forget them, they will always have a place in our hearts.

So now I get to the happy bit….

We have a baby Wiseman on the way

It’s been a bumpy ride so far. Emotions have been running high. After two loses it gets a bit scary. But all is going well with our Little Monkey. We had the 12 week scan yesterday and it was great. LM was jumping around and put on quite a show for us. The consultant was fantastic and even moved the scan around so we could see more detail. We saw little feet and toes all a wiggle, hands waving and fingers flexing. It was all suddenly very real for me and I felt great.

My health however has been another story.

I’ll start by warning well meaning people. I know it’s very common to offer helpful advice for dealing with morning sickness, but please don’t try it with me. Believe me I’ve tried the ginger, biscuits, calming tea, little food and often…. to name but a few. It doesn’t work for me and with how ill I am, I’m likely to reply with where you can put that ginger biscuit…. and you  won’t like it

I have hyperemesis gravidarum and it’s making life very difficult for me. Check out http://www.helpher.org for more information about the illness. I just can’t describe how awful it makes me feel.

I’ve been hospitalised twice and I should have been in more than that, but I really don’t like being stuck in hospital. I’ve been stuck on an IV drip, had enough blood taken to collapse my veins, had problems with my body going into shutdown and lost so much weight that it’s difficult for me to manage to do much. My days are spent in bed trying not to vomit.

J as usual is proving that he is the ideal husband, I’m so very lucky. He’s taking fantastic care of me. How he manages, I just don’t know. But I’m more grateful than I can ever express.

Even though this pregnancy is difficult for both of us, it’s worth it. It really is. The thought of being able to hold our child in our arms is amazing. It’s a day we are both eagerly awaiting.

I sit here in bed with the laptop, feeling awful but smiling to myself with a tear in my eye. Holding the scan of our baby in my hand and dreaming of the future.

What an awfully big adventure we are embarking on

Posted in Creativity, Family Life | 4 Comments »

A quickening in the roots

Hello

Just a quickie, really, to say hi and to share a little bit of what we (well, I, mostly) have been up to.

It’s been very quiet in internet-land for a good few months, now. I think part of that has been to do with getting back to basics since the miscarriage and doing a lot of living. Now that the warmth and the sun’s coming back it’s a lot more appealing out there, but a bit of cold and wet doesn’t seem to put us off much. Priorities lately have been firmly back at home, and on holding each other through the changes that have been and gone. I’m sure there’s more to come. Life has a habit of there being more

We’ve been places - notably castle-visiting in South West Wales, and had a trip down to Tassja’s old stomping grounds in Cornwall. It may have been chilly everywhere else, but down there it was warm and sunny and balmy (barmy?!). And the Senior Wisemans were recently here to visit, which gave us an excellent excuse to go to Caerphilly and tramp around the castle there. That’s the problem with Wales - so many castles.

Work-wise, I’ve been busily involved in a project which has just had its launch. I figure Cie and Dafydd *might* be interested. (Oh, and it’s a Drupal site too :D)

What else? Hmmm. Oh yes - there was a blog software upgrade (thanks to an unexpected server upgrade - thanks Ritchie :D) and now we’re back to zero spam. Yep, that’s right. No comment spam at all.

Right. Back to the millwheel, then…

Posted in Creativity, Family, Family Life | 1 Comment »

Another star in the night sky

Today is a strange day. It should have been a very happy day, instead I feel a bit numb.

I’ve been staring at the Ante Natal Clinic attendance card which is lying on my desk. Today would have been the first time we would have seen our greatly wanted and much loved baby at 13 weeks, 4 days.

But it wasn’t to be. The same day we received the appointment card I started to bleed. A day that had started excitedly with J waking me up to get me to open the much anticipated letter from the hospital ended with me laying awake all night feeling very frightened.

I went to the Dr’s on the Monday feeling a little more confident as it had stopped. He was lovely and made an appointment for me to go to the EPU the next day. However, by 3am my health was getting pretty bad and I asked J to take control of the situation for me (that’s rare for me). I just couldn’t cope anymore.

Within minutes of asking for help an ambulance arrived to take me to the local hospital. I was really impressed by their rapid response. Less impressed with one of the paramedics trying to wind me up about the place I work. I’m very proud to be a civil servant.

I was prodded, poked and admitted onto a ward, where for the third night in a row I didn’t sleep. I just stared out of the window feeling hollow and miserable. I even started to cry when an aeroplane I’d been watching traverse the predawn sky, slipped out of my view. Leaving me feeling very alone.

The next morning a very tired looking J came back and took wonderful care of me. I know I’m a very lucky woman to have someone as great as him. Anything he could do to make it a bit easier for me, he did. Although worn out and upset himself, he soldiered on. Through every painful procedure he held my hand and whispered words of comfort.

At times he even managed to make me laugh, I didn’t know it was possible to laugh at such a sad time.

The staff were lovely, even the one who gave me the injection which had the end result of making me pass out in the doorway to the bathroom.

Thanks goes to J for catching me and not letting me end up in a heap on the hospital floor. He was a real star the whole time while they wheeled me back onto the ward and stuck even more tubes in me.

I have very mixed feelings. We lost our baby, and even now I’m fighting back tears. But we gained so much, and that makes me smile.

I sit here with tear filled eyes and a gentle smile of wonder. I feel so much love. J and I were close before, but now we’re even stronger. Through the loss and grief we’ve been there for each other, strengthened our bond and even healed some wounds we didn’t even know were there from a long time ago.

At a time when we both could have become bitter and withdrawn, we ended up even more in love and wide open to each other.

I feel that even though our baby didn’t live, she was already a very real part of our family. When we learned of her she brought us much happiness, every day I carried her in me was a day of wonder, a new experience. I truly feel she gave us a gift, even in death. She gave us the gift of healing.

For that I will always be grateful, there just aren’t words that describe it fully.

My beautiful little one,

I didn’t get to hold you in my arms, for that I weep. I wanted so much to see you grow and make your own way in this beautiful world. I wonder what choices you would have made and what path your feet would have tread.

I carried you in my body for a time, but I will carry you in my heart always.

Your mother and father love you and miss you.

Posted in Family Life | 3 Comments »

Goodbye Magpie

Well, I’m not really sure where to start. A lot has happened in the past couple of months and in many ways it feels like, for me personally, a watershed has been reached. I turned 30 this November - a ripe old age that I’m frankly surprised I survived to. I’ve left TDN in any official capacity, having just completed a significant web project with them. And I’m leaving the magpie name behind. In terms of who I am, I don’t think it adequately describes me. Ten years ago, maybe five or even two years ago, I think it did. But now? Not at all. What started as not much more than a nickname and a brushing with totemism (with very little understanding of what that meant) became an identity which at first was right - a fair description of my temperament and character. Lately, it’s been increasingly something of a straight-jacket.

Perhaps I should design a symbol. Or become AFKAM.

But no. J, Jay or Jamie is fine in future, thanks. As is “oi”, and other related terms.

Wedding plans continue apace, and we’re looking good to make our original schedule. It’s nice to have time to breathe and actually be excited about it.

It’s very firmly and definitely a winding down time at the moment. Reducing the commitments and energy going in a million different directions and refocussing it back at home is having some interesting and strange effects on me. Who’dathunkit? I’m better able to cope when I’m taking the reins into my own hands, and not being led by any third party.

I’m actually looking forward to the coming year - something I’m really not used to!

Posted in Family Life | 2 Comments »